Farther Along

The amount of times I've gone to write this then have erased everything and put it off again...

This was originally going to be an Instagram post, but as I have run into many times before, I had too much to say on the topic to fit in one Instagram caption. Sooo...I finally got up the nerve to make a blog instead! So far, it is a lot easier than I was making it out to be. I'm excited! Now for my actual topic: Read on...

If you know me or have been following my Instagram posts, this would not be a surprise, but I've been doing a lot of identity searching lately. This time, however, more than usual, I continuously felt like I could only come up with bad things. I only believed the bad things anyway, and though I desperately wanted the good, none of it seemed true.

I would shut down in social gatherings or be terrified of them. When I tried to engage socially, I would beg people to reassure me. I would sob in my car after a long day of feeling rejected over and over again. Sure, I am a pretty dramatic and emotional person (at least internally) who also tends to over-analyze, but this is where this error in belief left me. Then, the knowledge that I have a tendency to do these things and no idea how to fix it--or the idea that I have to change everything about myself to be enough--just continued to perpetuate my despair. Even the thought that I am too prideful because I care about my identity this much made me think of myself as even worse. No matter how hard I kept ramming up against that concrete wall, looking for some worldly certainty of my worth, I just kept coming back bloody, with nothing to show for it. I felt trapped and disappointed and alone.

Now, I don't say any of these things to justify them. If it wasn't obvious already, these thoughts are way off! I am also not asking for pity. This is somewhat normal for me, and it doesn't faze me that much. Also, as a four on the enneagram, I am comfortable with the dark (I was going to try to avoid mentioning this because the enneagram factored into a lot of my destructive thoughts, but I think this part is relevant, especially as I have learned to view it better lately). Rather, I am essentially baring my soul to you in order to show that these thoughts are normal, yet fundamentally untrue.

Why I spiraled this way I'm not sure entirely. Bad input or not enough good was probably a factor (be careful not to underestimate the potential effects of these). Stress could be a factor. In the end, it comes down to human nature, my own manifestation of that, and not making the choice to believe in my heart what my head already knew to be true. Though I was wrong to do that, I think it's generally true that humans experience a delay between knowing and believing. God knows this. In his mercy, he gives us the time and clarity that we need.

The biggest problem in all of this was that, for some reason, it just wasn't enough for me to believe that my identity was perfectly secure in Christ if it meant that I felt like nothing according to people. Yikes! Or even, that people not approving of me meant that God couldn’t either, as if God aligns his standard with our ever-changing ones. What?! The more I examine now the actual logic behind these thoughts, the more obviously incorrect they seem, but, like I said before, there is a delay between knowing and believing.

Back to the importance of input! The thing that has probably helped me most during this time, of begrudgingly seeking the truth amongst the sea of lies, is a book. Fortunately, for all their potential to steer us away from God, people can also be used as vessels to point us toward Him when we have trouble seeing Him for ourselves. Like an awesome friend who kindly and empathetically listens to so many of these destructive thoughts and immediately recommends and gives you a copy of a Christian book on the topic. A book by a man who used his experience with the same struggle to point us to the truth and to God himself.

In Think Again, Jared Mellinger says:

"When we look inward, we are likely to think that we are just as sinful as ever. We are tempted to believe that our sin defines us most deeply. But when we look to Christ, we see the one to whom we are united and our new identity in him," (Mellinger 23).

"At the center of who we are as Christians is not our remaining sin, but our newness in Christ...True self-knowledge and humility do not come primarily by looking inward, and they certainly don't come by comparing ourselves with others. We look outward and upward to Christ," (Mellinger 24).

I am finally closer to fully believing that my identity in Christ is all that matters. I say closer because I will never consistently feel that this is true. On top of that, my actions will never perfectly compensate for this inherent lack of belief, and that is okay! Because my identity is not in how good I am at believing the truth either! However, I have one more reference point to use to steer my actions in the future. One more time I can say, "I felt this way, and went through this thing, and the truth was still true then, because God carried me through once again."

Despite that last phrase's Doctor Suess-like character (I like to rhyme, sue me), it is still true! Every failure in belief leads to another time you can say at the crossroads, "I have taken the road less traveled before, and it was truly better. I can take it again." Until it becomes instinct to take the right path. I can now say that I am on my way, and the farthest along I've been in my life! That is the victory!

"By the grace of God we are gaining a clearer view of ourselves as we learn to look away from ourselves and to welcome the sunlight," (Mellinger 26).

"Farther along we'll know all about it Farther along we'll understand why Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine We'll understand it all by and by"

-Elvis Presley, Raleigh Music Publishing

Baylee Marie